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Welcome to the Blog page of Heartful Living and Dying.
Maya makes every effort to properly and respectfully credit any sources referenced in her blog posts, her Hospice IDT offerings, or Resources page; please report corrections or additions via the contact page. If you wish to use material from this or any of Maya's websites, please email [email protected] for permission. Maya lovingly requests that you credit her by sharing her name, website and contact links in written material,
and verbally as well if using material in live presentations. Thank you so much, and May Your Living and Dying be Heartful, Friends!

And now, here is the Blog. . .

June 01st, 2025

6/1/2025

YES! Both gatherings will be held in June; I very much hope to see you there!
Love,
Maya

June Memento Mori Meeting; Open, Honest Conversations About Death & Dying
Next gathering will be at our usual time:
2nd Wednesday of the month, June 11th, at 9am West Coast/12noon, East Coast North America
(time converter: https://dateful.com/time-zone-converter )

ZOOM LINK: https://us06web.zoom.us/j/88247254767?pwd=b712bgGudloGE1lDqLaYoIb6eBanXh.1

Memento Mori is Latin for “Remember you will die”, “Remember that you must die” or “Remember to die”. The phrase may sound ghoulish, however its purpose is not to depress, but rather to befriend the truth: We Will All Die. It is a reminder of the presence of death which follows us all and to allow our growing comfort with this fact to
uplift and highlight the preciousness of our living moments.

The Memento Mori conversations are lightly facilitated, gentle, open discussions on many subjects about and around Death & Dying, grief and celebration, and all things related.

Come with your thoughts, your questions, your concerns, your creativity, your grief, your fear, your love. . . your SELF, exactly as you are. Come to share or come to sit in your own silence among us.

You are always welcome to invite others to the gatherings, post or share the invitations and links, or bring folks with you when you attend. Anyone interested or even just curious is invited. We no longer have a social media presence, so your word of mouth is what allows others to join us. (Thank you.)

You can learn more about the Memento Mori group here: https://www.heartfullivinganddying.com/memento-mori.html and you are always welcome to reach out by email between meetings if you wish.
Join the mailing list for updates. [email protected]

June Monthly Moon Meditation – The Balance of Light & Dark
We meet this month on our usual eve:
3rd Saturday of the month, June 21st, 5pm West Coast/8pm East Coast North America
(time converter: https://dateful.com/time-zone-converter )

ZOOM LINK: https://us06web.zoom.us/j/83629693981?pwd=re9QlftAb8Y1fyT8QzyeMgb7iCG8Wt.1

Our Monthly Moon Meditation falls this month on a fascinating night; as the moon finalizes her waning it is the perfect time to allow that which we have been releasing to put itself to bed. . . meanwhile, this day is also smack amidst the most light-filled days of the year - Summer Solstice (June 20th), and so (whether you enjoy these things as mythical storylines or actionable intergalactic wisdom), while we dive into the darkening moon and the act of letting go, we also rise up in celebration of the Sun, and his longest days - and the power of ancient rituals like jumping over the fire for cleansing and blessing, the receiving of the abundance of Summer’s wealth, and honoring the Nature Spirits for all they bestow upon us . . .

This month, join us in exploring your own inner and outer balance in an unbalanced world; In such times of discord all around us, accessing and maintaining regenerative resilience is more needed than ever.
THIS IS WITHIN YOU TO HAVE – JOIN US IN THE REKINDLING of RESILIENCE!

As usual, I suggest preparing a comfy space, with pillows and a covering as the body temperature can drop during deeply relaxed states. Having drinking water, a pen and paper (or whatever your preferred method of notetaking is) nearby. Please have noise-making devices on silent. We will request that your zoom microphone be muted during the meditation until open discussion period at the end.

This is by no means a requirement for this gathering, but if you wish, I always suggest setting out an offering of some sort before we meet – this month as an offering, I invite you to an ancient Celtic Pagan (and also children’s) practice: Leaving treats out for the nature spirits! Traditionally, the Fae (Fairy world that watches over growing things) prefer farm-foods; milk, honey, bread, cakes, other baked goods. . . but you know your home and area – choose treats you feel will be appreciated. Prepare these with intent and gratitude for all the Fae forgive us for, and place on tiny dishes (you can make these out of aluminum foil or use any small vessels you have) by your door or on a windowsill, or, if you have such a thing, at the edge of your garden, before sunset. Wait until after sunrise the following day to remove the dishes. You may later or in days to come, be surprised by some unexpected magickal surprise returned to you!
As our ritualists know, making offerings often deepens the work we do to follow. 

As always, there are NO PREREQUISITES to this gathering; Come exactly as you are! With your joy or sorrow, peace or rage, excitement or indifference, energy or fatigue. . . Whether we are three, thirty or
three-hundred matters not – all are most welcome, and I will be so delighted to see you there!
Much Love,
Maya

Join the mailing list for updates. [email protected]

DEATH AS A LIFE-ENHANCING PARTNER

4/9/2025

Beautiful Memento Mori artwork by Jessica Behance https://www.harkenback.com.au/#/memento-mori-2/

A huge thank you to all our participants in April's Memento Mori Conversations - your beautifully courageous and authentic sharing and support of one another was/is so gorgeous and hope-making in thee times of so much world-wide nd personal trauma. I am honored to be present with each and all of you.

Today, our jump-off topic was Death as a Life Enhancing Partner. I shared some of my own experience companioning people at end-of-life and some science around the concept that mortality salience (or, consciousness around one's mortality - awareness of death) can actually be of more value than simply reducing fear of death and dying, but might offer us a doorway through which we can live more fully as our authentic self/selves (I allow this to be both a comment to a collective of human beings OR aspects of self).

I referenced an article in Scientific American on the topic, by Michael W. Weiderman, in Scientific American,
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/thinking-about-death-can-make-life-better/
which described the outcomes of studies on adults who had been faced with their own or others' impending death. The studies showed that deep awareness of one's mortality shifted people's life-focus from extrinsic (such as material success and power) to intrinsic values (such as cultivating relationships, doing creative work and developing as a person.

Further, we discussed that self development that includes discovering and LIVING BY one's CORE VALUES can raise our sense of fulfillment in life - whether we are actually fulfilling our values or simply working towards living them fully. What makes life fulfilling, it seems, is knowing those values, aiming for them - AND being free to be authentically ourselves.

I shared a list of some potential "core Values" with the group, and individuals discovered their own not on the list. Are yours here?

We also explored these questions:

The content of our group discussion is held in compassionate confidentiality, but perhaps in reading this something here will spark your own deepening into whatever your heart holds most true. In these times in which "truth" and "authenticity" are more endangered than any time in recent history, finding your own, b4eing in community (even if only online) with others who see you for who you really are, and living by your innermost values may be one of the few keys to finding a sense of inner peace or even joy, EVEN as we pas through a gauntlet of very difficult things. In your last moments - or any of your moments, are you not most fulfilled by shaking off masks and falsehoods and expressing your deepest self?

Most of the dying people I have worked with have shared that it was only in truly facing their end, their death, that they allowed themselves to be who and what they truly were, and that this, even if only in the last months, weeks, days or in some cases, hours, was the most joy and fulfillment that they had known in their lifetime.

The good news is that you can invite awareness of your death NOW, and - perhaps - have more years of fulfillment than you might have had if Death were not your Life-Enhancing Partner.

In closing, I once again shared Shawna Lamay's wonderful poem, in which she wishes us, in remembrance of death, to LIVE, FULLY:

In Lieu of Flowers

Although I love flowers very much, I won’t see them when I’m gone. So in lieu of flowers: Buy a book of poetry written by someone still alive, sit outside with a cup of tea, a glass of wine, and read it out loud, by yourself or to someone, or silently.
Spend some time with a single flower. A rose maybe. Smell it, touch the petals.
Really look at it.
Drink a nice bottle of wine with someone you love.
Or, Champagne. And think of what John Maynard Keynes said, “My only regret in life is that I did not drink more Champagne.” Or what Dom Perignon said when he first tasted the stuff: “Come quickly! I am tasting stars!”
Take out a paint set and lay down some colours.
Watch birds. Common sparrows are fine. Pigeons, too. Geese are nice. Robins.
In lieu of flowers, walk in the trees and watch the light fall into it. Eat an apple, a really nice big one. I hope it’s crisp.
Have a long soak in the bathtub with candles, maybe some rose petals.
Sit on the front stoop and (really) watch the clouds. Have a dish of strawberry ice cream in my name.
If it’s winter, have a cup of hot chocolate outside for me. If it’s summer, a big glass of ice water.
If it’s autumn, collect some leaves and press them in a book you love. I’d like that.
Sit and look out a window and write down what you see. Write some other things down.
In lieu of flowers,
I would wish for you to flower.
I would wish for you to blossom, to open, to be beautiful.

Join Us:
Memento Mori; Open, Honest Conversations on Death & Dying
on FB:
Mem-Mori on FB

Temporary Crisis/Disaster Care

2/5/2025

Hello Friends,

Just a quick post to announce this temporary offering. Many of you know this already, but in case you were not, please feel welcome to forward this info to someone you know who might benefit.

Cave of the Heart: Support for First Responders and Victims of Current Crisis/Disaster
(Natural or Human-made)

Maya (that is me) is now offering some Crisis/Disaster Relief Sessions at no cost - This is support for persons needing immediate care or a brief rest from high stress circumstances. Simple exercises to reclaim calm; space to vent or release; a still place during chaos; Maya is a house-fire and abuse survivor, knows the city of Los Angeles, is trained in supporting victims and first responders of crisis/disaster, and hopes you will reach out, even if all you wish is to sit together in silence.

NO judgement; All Faiths, no faith. BLM. Indigenous and Immigrant safe zone. LGBTQIA+ All Welcome.

NOTE: This offering was originally made to benefit First Responders and Victims of the Los Angeles Fires. It is now extended to those traumatized by ICE/Police Brutality, Medical aid withdrawal, Violence, and other Crisis or Disaster, whether natural or human-made. Please feel welcome to inquire.

To schedule, CLICK HERE

Wishing everyone safety and a solid sense-sense-of-self as we proceed through these shared, trying times on Earth.
With Much Love as Always,
Rev. Maya

For more info on Maya's sessions (what they are, how they go, cost, scheduling etc), you can visit these pages:
Stone & Star Interfaith Spiritual Direction
Rest & Renewal Sessions

Deathbed Phenomenon

1/8/2025

UPDATE:

THANK YOU to all who attended and shared so generously in our meeting today! Our group was beautiful - vulnerable, courageous, curious, sad, angry, joyful, authentic.
I appreciate you all so very much!

For those who are curious, the wonderful book that was mentioned by one of our attendees:

The Inner Work of Age : Shifting from Role to Soul by Connie Zweig.
You can find it here:
https://www.betterworldbooks.com/product/detail/the-inner-work-of-age-shifting-from-role-to-soul-9781644113400

You can find other resources I recommend here:
https://www.heartfullivinganddying.com/resources.html

See you next month!
Love Always,
Maya

-------------------------------------
Good Day All,

We will meet today on zoom at our usual time - 12noon East Coast time. As always, ALL ARE WELCOME, please invite anyone you feel might benefit. You are welcome to share the link:

Topic: Memento Mori; Open, Honest Conversations on Death & Dying
Time: This is a recurring link, we use it for all our meetings.
Click to Join Zoom Meeting:
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/88247254767?pwd=b712bgGudloGE1lDqLaYoIb6eBanXh.1
Meeting ID: 882 4725 4767
Passcode: 057490
(More info on the Memento Mori page of this site)

Today, as an opening topic, I (Maya) will share briefly on what is known as "Death Bed Phenomenon". However, as always, anything around Death & Dying that you feel moved to ask or share is welcome. In this circle, we practice gentle respect for all views and beliefs, all spiritualities or lack thereof - this is a "come as you are" space.

Hope to see you there!

Love to All,
Maya

2025; Let Moving One Grain Be Your Goal

1/1/2025

I would - and perhaps I should - be offering everyone a "HAPPY" New Year.

But this, for me, in these times, would not be quite authentic. Yes, of course I do wish upon us all many joys and much wellness and all the Good Things. And yet to feel these without also knowing of the pain of those around our globe who suffer so greatly, would not be my wish for any of us. What I wish, rather, is MORE awareness, and that somehow, amidst the full and open presence with the world's suffering, we would also maintain our equanimity.

But not through compartmentalizing, nor any form of denial; instead,

I wish you a wealth of sustenance -- of the spirit, mind, heart and body -- that you may be present and whole in your service of the mending of the world and it's inhabitants, systems and harmonization.

I wish you courage beyond what you have known so far, that you might surprise yourself with a passion to serve, to heal, to help, in whatever way makes your spirit soar.

That you may, yes, regenerate, but/and then use that regeneration to make even one moment of one person's experience BETTER.

You do not have to move mountains, but also remember that if you move one grain of sand, and others do too, we may, in fact, be moving mountains together.

So, I wish you the strength this year to move one grain. If that one grain is the last lifted off a child under rubble, or the grain sprinkled on an icy step that kept a grandma from falling, or the one removed from a puppy's eye, it is enough. And it will be like a mountain moved for each of those beings who received your grain-shift. (Even if that grain-move is invisible to the naked eye, if it's movement brings you into greater alignment with your truest self, it is an achievement, and cannot help but move us all towards a better world.) The world needs your grain; we are all a part of this.

If you can let the movement of that one grain be your goal, your resolution for 2025, you are sure to have a good year, and so will someone else.

All Blessings of whatever sort suits you (could be the Light of The Divine igniting your Heart, or simply NOT getting hit by that heating bill as hard as you thought...),
As always, with Love,

Maya

https://bdsmovement.net/

TODAY. . .

12/21/2024

Connectedness

12/4/2024

Greetings Dear Friend & Foe,

It has been a while since I posted here - I confess I have been as taken by the woes of the world as a lot of you, and have also - as some of you have shared with me you do as well - felt silenced in many ways. I do not think remaining silent is good for anyone when noise bubbles up, and I do think that expressing - with no intent to harm - is a well-being-making process. Here are some thoughts of mine; may you find yours.

People regularly ask when we meet - even facebook asks - what is on our minds. . .

How often do we REALLY answer this - even for ourselves, let alone to share this with our "friends" or the greater world? Today, this task grows ever more difficult, as it becomes a rare thing to trust that even our loved ones will still hold us if we share our views or trials. We find, rather, that that holding is no longer there simply because we are humans. . . it has become conditional; we must see eye to eye, we must agree on "right" and "wrong", we must vote the same, protest the same, remain silent the same etc etc. in order to be "worthy" of compassion from our fellows.

This, to me, is not life. It is not even the relief of death. Rather it is a no-person's land, a hellish Bardo that somehow all the world has embraced as "normal". But it is not.

And so most of us do not speak what is on our minds (unless in opposition to something some "other" has espoused). Not even to our close friends or family members, as we know/assume/guess that their differences of opinion on some word usage, or global happening will render them unable to see, hear and hold us. We have lost our tribes, and thus desperately seek tribal acceptance by whatever group validates our views. This is, of course, what is needed to create our acceptance of (and potential participation in) wars.

And yet. And yet it is this very act – the act of trusting another to be there for us – that heals the very fractured and frazzled well-being we all so desperately seek. It is the ability to trust, and be trusted to love and hold sacred one another’s whole being that puts the heart at rest enough (even inf only for a moment around some broken corner where we shield ourselves from harm) that it may send the brain a signal: “All is well - We are not alone. Whatever the trials, we are not alone.” This message, and the belief that we can reach an “other” who is truly there, an unconditional love or friendship or kind-strangership, is (at least one aspect of) what sustains our humanity. Without it, without a mirror of hope to remind us we are indeed human, and that others of our ilk exist, we begin to lose that humanity. It is a rare soul (and yes, they/we DO exist, in the form of hermits of so many sorts, but percentage-wise, they/we are rare) who can maintain a fully open heart WITHOUT the presence of other two-legged beings reciprocating in some authentic form.

And so here we are, a society of the walking dying. .. maybe you are not dying physically just yet, but if you are like many people I know, and certainly clients I see, and definitely folks out in the public eye, you, too, are experiencing a sort of inner death on a daily basis. This is evidenced by a deep sense of “battle fatigue”, by the need to sleep or cry more than you ever had before, by a waning of creative urge, by a sense of distance from places, activities, and people one once felt excited by. People share with me their feelings of isolation, even among friends and family. They share anger they cannot name the roots of. They share not just sadness or even grief, but a true sense of despair, hopelessness, or maybe the opposite – an unrelenting sense of rage and hyper-activated nervous system that keeps them up at night, causes them to seek ways to “fight back”, to engage anyone who ruffles their feathers, to feel rabidly driven to act. (I am not talking about healthy resistance, but about the inability to lie down, even when ill or physically draining oneself to the point of incapacitation - I am talking about the inability to choose.)

And to highlight the illness, many of us feel that it is right and righteous to hate others – as long as we are on “the correct side”. . . (Yes, of course I, too, have my idea of what the “right” side of a given issue is. I, too, have my need to live in alignment with my own integrity. But so far, my experience has been that it is when I am able to hold my deeply felt understanding of the truth – and even with my full dis-agreement with the other person’s experience of the truth – but still not dumping the whole human – that there may be a shift possible. And this possibility of a shift has never been true when I hold superiority over another.)

Whether named as ongoing panic, aching alone-ness, incessant rage, debilitating despair or simply, as one client put it so well, “a sense of 1000 pounds on my chest, that never leaves, no matter what I do or don’t do”, the one thing that we, as human beings have had through the centuries to mitigate such stresses was EACH OTHER.

And THAT is exactly what we have, slowly worsening over the past decade or so, deleted from our pantry of well-being supplies.

E A C H O T H E R.

We have taken our presence from one another.
By some odd new sense of righteousness, we have destroyed the threads of trust that we once had at least a hope of; the knowingness that that one friend, or lover, or family member or teacher from 8th grade would listen to and keep us even if we disagreed – that somewhere there was a someone that we could share our true selves with. When all was lost, maybe I could at least pay a therapist to listen to me. But now? Now I am afraid even that therapist may be “on the wrong side” (of whatever I hold so pivotal that I cannot listen to a human who believes “THAT”). . .

Yes, we can blame social media or various political standings, or some other agent of decline with whom we have a beef. But the bottom line is: We chose THE DIVIDE. (And as I see it, BLAME itself is a major culprit. Blame makes us victims, not righteous. But that may be for another conversation in and of itself. . .)

. . . And this means, if we dare and if we can step beyond the current conditioned response, that we CAN choose something bigger than the divide.

I will not extrapolate on what The Bigger Thing might be – that is for each to discover for themselves – for YOU to discover for YOURSELF. The only thing I will say is that if whatever you are seeing as The Bigger Thing does not offer room to rise above ANY human foible, it still has room to grow, and necessarily must, if we are to mend.

This path is – obviously – not for everyone. And this idea will, I am fairly certain, be in itself a divide that may not be bridgeable for all. But it is most surely open to all. And this is an invitation. Not from me – no – I am just, as they say, “another Bozo on the bus”. But, fellow humans, it is a bus with no fare, other than the ability to stretch beyond judgement, to stretch beyond our amygdala/fight-flight-fawn-freeze brain's rule. it is a bus that invites us not to make-exceptions-for, but rather to do-the-work-of-healing the traumas that put us in boxes. This bus ride invites all of us to find our way out of whatever labels we have put upon ourselves (whether we like or dislike those labels), as we can never dislodge our need to label OTHERS if we do not dislodge our self-labeling addiction).
I am aware that this concept will likely trigger a lot of my beloved fellow humans. You need not agree, but I share that in my view, triggers are beautiful opportunities to self-investigate and heal, so we may become agents of transformation of those things that we see as disturbing, rather than victims of them.

PS: I am not advocating for supporting those who do harm. However, one thing I do know is that no one ever sees more light while being dissed, dumped, dehumanized. If you are in a situation you cannot handle, yes, you must take care of yourself in whatever way you are able. But our common default of “unfriending” is much overused. And in the bigger picture, is causing us all – both the unfriended AND the unfriend-er – harm.

SIDE NOTE: My work in hospice, and ongoingly with the grieving, requires of me that I be present with people of every walk of life. A thing some people may not know, is that in the end, many, if not most, people become angels of a sort. Often, they cannot express this to those closest to them - perhaps we as people trapped in our sense of personhood feel obligated to maintain our views and "stances" with those we care about, to keep fighting back against those we love so as - perhaps - to maintain our "who-ness" with them . . . but that same "belligerent old auntie", when sitting with someone who is present only with them in the current moment, holding no ideas, judgements, history upon them, may open like a book of Light; expressing things their family never heard, releasing old stories or even deeply held beliefs from life.

One family member declared, after a visit I had with her father (known to her, and those around him, his entire, life as an abusive, atheistic, hateful human being) the day before his death, "Who IS he? I have never heard him say such words in my life! He was neither loving nor spiritual - is he the same person?"
This man had shared that day that that his description of "spirituality" was "unconditional love", that his wish was to be forgiven, and that he would like an appropriate "spiritual" song to be sung to him. As I sang (and I am no singer, so it was not myself who precipitated his reaction, but rather, I believe, the fact that no one was judging him in that moment - we were all just making space for him to BE, free from preconceived ideas of who he had been - and open to who was at this, his deepest and most vulnerable moment) - as I sang, he closed his eyes, drifted off, with tears rolling down his cheeks and a slight smile on his face. There was healing there, in his heart and his whole family - his sons, who had never met without a fist-fight, expressed that perhaps they had never really known their father, and that his "change" inspired them to see if they, too, might find another way of being - maybe even before they each faced their own ends-of-life. We may each be stuck were we seem to be stuck - but often we cannot know of another's potential to change, discover or reveal an unexpected aspect of self as long as our own behavior continues to support the friction between us.
One of the fastest ways to heal lack of trust is to Be Trustworthy. Find someone who needs assistance with something you can be present with – with anything at all – but the bigger the issue the better – and help them. Even and especially if they believe different things than you.

Hearts, minds, bodies and souls heal from connection. (yes, sometimes disconnecting is an important part of healing - but once we are well, that need to disconnect becomes a smaller part of a larger overview. . . What is true for you?
(Side hint: I love you whatever it may be. Must I LIKE your path to love your greater soul and potential for healing? Nope.)

People - and even facebook - ask “what’s on your mind”.
There you have it, for today, at least.
I shared it: Our daily-dying-through-lack-of-compassion-and-connection. That’s what.

All Blessings of Well-Being
& Much Love
to All (and a special dose to ye who may still choose to enemize myself or others),

Rev. Maya

I discovered this lovely image that to me expresses a form of CONNECTION - joining in an activity - from the blog of Cara Lumen. (I do not necessarily agree with all of this blogger's content, but certainly appreciate much of it! ) You might want to take a look - it is not far from the topic of my post!

October Memento Mori Conversations

10/8/2024

Hello Dear Friends of Memento Mori; Open, Honest Conversations about Death & Dying.
Our next zoom meeting is:
TOMORROW, OCTOBER 9TH, 2024
12:00 PM - 1:00 PM, East Coast USA time zone

It is October. In much of the northern hemisphere we enter the time of falling leaves, harvest and heating the hearth (or turning up the thermostat). . . It is in many cultures also the time of turning inward, of mystery and honoring the dead, and/or of children dressed as ghosties and goblins, and we see images of death everywhere - skeletons, grave stones. . .

But for some of us, the mystery of death is very tangible and real - we miss people we loved who have died. This time of year when "the veil between the worlds thins" is no holiday game - it is a time we feel our loved ones deeply, the falling leaves reminding us that life is dear and short, no matter how long it is.

Tomorrow, we will open space to remember loved ones who are no longer with us in physical form here on Earth. Please feel welcome to bring a photo of someone (or more than one) you would like to hold in loving remembrance. Whether they died recently or many years ago, whether you are fresh in your mourning or have danced with it for decades, whether you wish to share something about your loved ones or prefer to honor them quietly, you and the spirit of your dead are invited and welcome, as is your sorrow or celebration of them.

I hope to see you there.
Love,
Maya

Here is our link:

Join Zoom Meeting
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/88247254767?pwd=b712bgGudloGE1lDqLaYoIb6eBanXh.1
Meeting ID: 882 4725 4767
Passcode: 057490

Frustration

9/5/2024

Greetings Friends!
Next week we meet again for Memento Mori; Open, Honest Conversations about Death 7 Dying. Here are the bits for those who wish or require reminding, or for newcomers who are curious:

Memento Mori; Open, Honest Conversations about Death & Dying

We meet the 2nd Wednesday of every month (with exceptions if there is some holiday or disaster).
Next meetings 2024: Wednesdays, August 14th, September 11th, October 9th, November 13th, December 11th
Time: from 12noon to 1 or 1:30 (depending on group size).
To receive email notifications, email [email protected]
Facebook page: Memento Mori; Open, Honest Conversations About Death & Dying
Webpage: https://www.heartfullivinganddying.com/memento-mori.html
JOIN THE ZOOM MEETING: Topic: Memento Mori; Open, Honest Conversations on Death & Dying
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/88247254767...
Meeting ID: 882 4725 4767
Passcode: 057490
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RSVP, but it is helpful if you do (we have had a couple of occasions in which someone was trying to get into the meeting but could not - If we know you are planning to be there, we may be able to assist if there are issues).
You are welcome to bring feelings, questions, poems, prayers, ideas, or your silent presence (no one is required to share, everyone's well-intentioned shares are welcome).
Some meetings begin with a specific topic, some are more free-form. If you have something to share that is "off topic" that is just fine! We go with the flow whenever we can.
Hope to see you soon!

Frustration and "Neglected Corners of the Soul"

I did not realize I was posting this for MYSELF at least as much as I am offering it to YOU, but after 3 hours online and on phones to get assistance with updating my "secondary verification" phone number, so as to be able to get in to publish this post, it certainly applies to the management of my current state!

Anyway, I wanted to share with you all a short piece by a fellow Hospice Chaplain, David A. Auten. If you enjoy reading it, perhaps you will follow his blog for others. This one is called "Frustration" and it offers a small, sweet and powerful window of opportunity for growing into our personal sense of peace, even when the world does not seem to offer us any.

Here you go:
https://www.davidauten.com/post/frustration

VSED: Voluntary Stopping of Eating and Drinking as A Way to Speed Up the Dying Process

8/14/2024

Today in our Memento Mori Conversations about Death and Dying we discussed VSED. I want to thank everyone who participated for such thoughtful and vulnerable sharing. I am honored that such beautiful and courageous humans are a part of this group.

As promised to those in attendance, and for those who were not but are curious, here are the note cards - the bare minimum of info - as well as a few starter resources for further exploration.

As always, please feel welcome to reach out for support - either from myself or for a reference to other providers. I will do my best to connect you with someone wonderful fitted to your needs!

Much Love to You All,
Rev. Maya

VSED
Voluntary Stopping of Eating and Drinking

1.
VSED is a mentally capable person’s conscious decision to refuse foods and fluids of any kind, including artificial nutrition and/or hydration, in order to advance the time of their death.

VSED is legal in all 50 states of the USA
In Canada, you have the right to refuse medical attention, even if it is life-saving. (No one can legally force you to eat or drink.)

VSED is legal nationwide. The U.S. Supreme Court (in Cruzan v. Director), Missouri Department of Health stated that “a competent person would have a constitutionally protected right to refuse lifesaving hydration and nutrition."
Therefore, VSED is legal for a person nearing the end of life who has the capacity to make their own medical decisions.

2.
If you choose VSED:
To cover all legal bases (both for yourself and your caregivers) in planning to do VSED it can be helpful to:

Write down your wishes to not receive nutrition and hydration and attach them to your advance directive.
Video tape yourself making it clear that you do not want nutrition and hydration
Receive a psychiatric evaluation for decisional capacity and to rule out depression or other conditions that may affect decision-making capacity (if the person is not terminally ill).

It is completely FINE to change your decision at any time and to resume eating or drinking after starting VSED; caregivers chosen should agree honor that choice.

3.

What else is VSED?

A patient’s legal right
One option to consciously and voluntarily limit suffering at end of life
Reassurance that there is an end to suffering or deterioration
Supported by most hospices, and many end-of-life health care providers
A patient-centered approach to care at end-of-life
Consistent with the body’s natural dying process

4.
WHO might choose VSED?

Someone with a terminal illness
Someone with an illness that is likely to cause severe suffering as illness progresses
Someone with a severe blockage of the gastro-intestinal system that makes eating and drinking extremely difficult, painful or impossible.
Someone in early/cognizant stages of dementia
Someone with a good support system to assist with the process
Someone who is determined, well informed, and mentally capable, who decides to control their own dying

5.

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8.

More on Caregiving:
Caregivers may be on the lookout for spoken or unspoken desires to make amends, to forgive and to be forgiven.
Be open and accepting when/if dying person sees, hears or speaks with deceased loved ones or others in the “unseen” realms.

9.
How long does it take?
A person with a terminal illness may expect anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to pass from beginning the process of VSED to death. Some people may experience unconsciousness within a few days, some may not become unconscious until the moment of death. A number of things contribute to the length of time it will take to die:

Stage of illness
Body weight – a larger body may take longer to die as it holds more moisture. A body that has a lot of fat takes longer to die.
Hydration at time of start – a body that is well hydrated at the beginning of VSED may take longer to expire than one that is not well hydrated.
Organs – strength of heart and kidneys plays a part in length of time it takes for organ shut-down.
Willingness to go “cold turkey” – even the ingestion of ice chips to manage thirst will prolong life.
Ambiguity – if a person is uncertain they are ready to die, and/or if there is unresolved emotional turmoil, this may affect the length of time it takes for the body to die.

10.
How does it feel (for the dying person)?
Symptoms vary for individuals, and of course we on the outside cannot know everything. From what we do know, the main symptoms that may accompany VSED are:

Occasional hunger (especially in first few days)
Thirst or dry mouth (may be relieved by good oral care)
Muscle spasm or organ pain (may be relieved by medical assistance via pain medication, or by massage, warm compresses)
Confusion and delirium as organs shut down and body chemistry shifts

11.
What to do while “waiting”?
Often, the process of VSED allows the dying person to think and share authentically in new ways. Desire to communicate these my increase. Some possible topics are:

Expressing love to those one is close to via letter, video or in person.
Attending to unfinished interpersonal issues
Creating poetry or journaling
Making some sort of art/craft/”legacy project” to leave behind for loved ones
Receiving or participating in singing/chanting/prayer
Inviting friends and family to say goodbye
Sharing wisdom, wishes for those who will remain after the dying person is gone

Accepting gentle care such as massage, body lotion or oil to sooth dryness, hands-on healing or other forms of compassionate touch may be welcomed during the dying process, even if they might not have been in life.
Listening to music, being read to, even watching favorite movies may all be welcome.

12.
Is it possible to receive medications without fluids?

Before starting VSED, review all medications with your doctor.
Liquid medicines will prolong life.
You and your health care team may choose to end use of all medications that cause dry mouth.
Most likely, especially if on hospice, you will not be taking life-saving medications. You can chose to stop medication for heart disease, for example, or for diabetes. This will speed up the dying process but are not likely to cause added discomfort.
Continue medication for anxiety and/or pain as long as they do not require drinking or fluid intake such as IV.
Be patient as your health care providers figure out the best medications for you while going through your VSED experience.

13.
Can I just stop eating but keep drinking?
Dehydration is an important part of the process. You can go for many months without eating and not die, yet experience prolonged discomfort. In fact, dehydration can make the process less uncomfortable by

Leading to fewer episodes of coughing choking or shortness of breath
Reducing fluid overload (and drainage/release) from the body
Lessening associated respiratory distress with heart failure and pulmonary edema

14.
How to Prepare for VSED?

Learn as much as you can about the process
Discuss deeply all aspects with loved ones, spiritual advisors, your own heart
You cannot do this alone – you will need 24 hour care during the process. Hospice, or a medical team, family and friends may all be a part of your team. Give good thought to this.
Understand your condition, the natural course it may take if you do not go forward with VSED
Understand how your specific condition may evolve through the VSED experience
If your condition is not likely to cause death within 6 months, medical professionals may require that you have a psychological evaluation to rule out depression or other decision-making capacity issues. (If you are an elder, request a psychological evaluation specifically for seniors.)
You may wish to create an Out of Hospital Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) order
Make sure your paperwork is in order – will, password info, contact info, funeral/memorial plans, last words to loved ones, debts taken care of etc.

15.
What if I forget what I am doing?
Sometimes with delirium the dying person forgets their mission to die, and asks for fluids. Caregivers must give you fluids if you ask, so discuss (before you begin VSED) how you would like them to handle this if it occurs for you.

You can suggest that they remind you in a gentle way bye saying something like “yes, I would be happy to get you some water, but I want to remind you that you wanted to stop eating and drinking to control your dying. Would you still like some water?”

NOTE: You can go back to eating and drinking in early stages of VSED, but doing so in late stages may be painful and difficult as organ damage may be irreversible – that is, organ dysfunction and associated pain and suffering may be expected.

17.
What obstacles might a person choosing VSED face?
While legal, not everyone is “OK” with VSED. Getting the support you need may be difficult based on

Your geographic location
Your religion or cultural biases
The stage of your disease
Your age (it is more difficult to find support if you are younger)
Your living situation (it may be easier to get support in a care facility than a remote cabin)
Your provider’s beliefs

18.
WHAT ABOUT ETHICS, IS IT OK TO CHOOSE TO DIE?
Is VSED Suicide?
How is VSED different from PAD/DWD (Pysician Assisted Death/Death With Dignity)?
Does my religion sanction it?
Caregivers, what are your beliefs vs. your loyalties to someone you love
choosing VSED?

These are crucial topics to explore if you or a loved one are considering VSED. I, Maya, neither suggest nor deter anyone from exploring VSED or other controversial subjects around death and dying. I do, however, strongly urge anyone considering - or loved one of someone considering - a pathway towards death to consult a professional in the arena of death and dying for guidance.

A good guide is someone who has experience with death and dying, someone who is at least somewhat versed in religious or cultural view and biases that you may encounter, someone with training in psychological issues faced around dying or supporting the dying, and other topics that may be relevant to you specifically.

Here are A Few Starter Resources

There are MANY - start looking and reading and listening and you will find other helpful sources online with ease!
Note: The first few are sources of support, the last two - for those who may lean this way - are focused on ethical concerns around the practice of VSED.

VSED Resources Northwest
https://vsedresources.com/education-outreach/vsed-reading-list

World Federation Right To Die Societies
https://wfrtds.org/novels-on-assisted-dying/voluntarily-stopping-eating-and-drinking/

Dying with Dignity Canada
https://www.dyingwithdignity.ca/blog/vsed_vsc/

journal of Pain and Symptom Management on VSED
https://www.jpsmjournal.com/article/S0885-3924(23)00565-1/fulltext

Ethical Dilemma – VSED and PAD (Physician Assisted Death)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4569446/

Concerns about VSED in Canada:
http://eol.law.dal.ca/?page_id=2475

PPS: Thank you for making it through this long post on a potentially difficult subject. If you find yourself stressed, curious, or in any way desirous of support, please feel welcome to reach out to book a session or request a referral. I will do my best to get back to you as quickly as I am able.

Blessings to You Upon Your Journey, at whatever stage that may be.
May you find Grace, Presence, and plenty of Healthy Support along the way!

With Love Always,
Rev. Maya

PS: Thanks in advance for forgiving my typos!
PPS: You may request the PDF of this info via email.